The Cinderella Complex

The Cinderella complex was first described by Colette Dowling, who wrote a book on women's fear of independence – an unconscious desire to be taken care of by others. The complex is said to become more apparent as a person grows older.

nytimes.com

This article is adapted from ''The Cinderella Complex: Women's Hidden Fear of Independence,'' by Colette Dowling, to be published in May by Summit Books. - March 22, 1981
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Women are brought up to depend on a man and to feel naked and frightened without one. We have been taught to believe that as females we cannot stand alone, that we are too fragile, too delicate, too needful of protection.

Women's leanings toward dependence are, for the most part, deeply buried. Dependency is frightening. It makes us anxious because it has its roots in infancy, when we were indeed helpless. We do what we can to hide these needs from ourselves - especially now, with the new, socially encouraged thrust toward independence. But that part, buried and denied, is the troublemaker. It affects the way women think and act and speak - and not just some women, but, to varying degrees, virtually all women.

Hidden dependency needs are causing problems for the protected housewife who has to ask her husband for permission to buy a dress as well as for the career woman with a six-figure income who is unable to sleep at night when her mate is out of town. The Cinderella Complex leads to inappropriate or ineffectual behavior on the job, to anxiety about success, to the fear that independence will lead to loss of femininity. These fears are not surprising, considering that only a generation ago dependency was inextricably linked with what it meant to be feminine.

Many women still enter careers with the repressed expectation that work is temporary, a condition from which they will one day be rescued.

Many women also feel intense anxiety over public speaking. In a survey of 200 students training to become psychoanalysts at the William Alanson White Institute in New York, Ruth Moulton, a senior training analyst there (she is also on the faculty of Columbia University) found that 25 percent of the women tested were unable to speak in public, as compared with 20 percent of the men.

The way women talk affects the way others deal with them. ''Speech may not only reflect power differences,'' notes Mary Brown Parlee, a psychologist in New York City, ''it may help to create them.''

Lack of self-confidence affects women's self-image and consequently their ability to function effectively, other research shows.

Confidence and self-esteem are primary issues for women in dealing with achievement. Lack of confidence leads into the dark waters of envy. We tend to see men as functioning effortlessly - and, like girls who envy the unfettered freedom of older brothers, we find it easier to focus on how ''lucky'' men are and how ''unlucky'' we are.

To encourage independence - in girls as well as in boys - active, systematic intervention is required. The trouble, many psychologists believe, is that while little boys are interrupted in their dependency patterns and weaned from them, little girls are not.

Dependency training begins very early in the life of a girl. Female babies are handled less frequently and less vigorously than boys. (Comparative data about how infant boys and infant girls are treated - and responded to - by mothers come from a major overview of studies in the field conducted by Lois Wladis Hoffman of the University of Michigan and entitled ''Early Childhood Experiences and Women's Achievement Motives.'' The study was published in 1972 in The Journal of Social Issues.) In spite of their greater sturdiness and developmental maturity, girls are thought to be more fragile. Receiving less physical stimulation, they may not get the same kind of encouragement boys receive for their early exploratory ventures. Apprehension about a girl's safety is exhibited by her parents before she is even out of the crib.

A 1976 study showed that parents make a sex distinction when they interpret the meaning of babies' cries. The same infant's cry was perceived by parents as expressing fear if the child was thought to be a girl and anger if the child was thought to be a boy. Moreover, Mother responds differently to the crying. When her baby girl bawls, she is more likely to drop what she is doing and run to comfort her. (Apparently, parents are more comfortable ignoring squawks from baby boys.) Another notable difference is that the mother will increase her contact with a baby girl who is irritable, but decrease it with a son - even when the son is more irritable.

Such early conditioning, says Lois Hoffman, could well signify ''the beginning of a pattern of interaction in which the daughters quickly learn that the mother is a source of comfort and the mother's behavior is reinforced by the cessation of the crying.''

Summing up her review of early childhood studies, Lois Hoffman wrote in the Journal of Social Issues: ''Since girls as compared to boys have less encouragement for independence, more parental protectiveness, less pressure for establishing an identity separate from the mother, and less motherchild conflict which highlights this separation, they engage in less independent exploration of their environments. As a result they develop neither adequate skills nor confidence but continue to be dependent on others. Thus while boys learn effectance through mastery, the effectiveness of girls is contingent on eliciting the help of others.''

The task of developing successful relationships with others becomes increasingly important - some psychologists say it is of chief importance. As she learned to do in childhood, she continues to depend on feedback from others as her main source of self-esteem.

''Modern women are still influenced unconsciously by old assumptions that masculinity implies strength, dominance, superiority and success,'' says Dr. Moulton. ''Thus, to be successful means to many women that they are unfeminine and unlovable.''

The young girl gets her definition of femininity from observing the women she sees around her.